The Dangers of People Pleasing

#emotionalhealth #boundaries #peoplepleasing #emotionalinteligence #negativefamily #rejection #selfesteem #selflove #selfacceptance #sexuality

I have been people pleasing for as long as I can remember, it is only something I was able to take control of recently. With the help of my partner, Sammy, I have been able to work on several negative behaviours, one of them being people pleasing. He is someone extremely self aware and emotionally intelligent. Through communication he was able to help me realize what I was doing and explore with me why. I cannot thank him enough.

I am not exactly sure how it began, but it started when I was a little girl. I was always someone sensitive. My mother did the basics in terms of taking care of me, she made sure I had food in my belly, I was bathed and a roof over my head, along with a ton of other things. However, there was something missing in terms of emotional bonding and love with my mother. She isn't someone very affectionate, and I am someone who needs a lot of that. My mother is distant, there was something in the way of us truly connecting, and I felt it. I always have.

As for my relationship with my sister, she was always spoiled, she was one of those kids who should of been an only child. It was like she was mad about me stealing her time, attention and spotlight. She didn't want to spend time with me when I was young. If we did, it was under her rules and if she would get a personal gain out of it. I felt unwanted and not good enough. Developing this as a young child made me have low self esteem and huge issues with people pleasing and rejection. To this day if I feel even the slightest bit of rejection I close up and put up walls around myself. This is something I need to work on. I started to people please with my sister because I looked up to her and I would of done anything for her attention and time.

When I got older things changed but this feeling was always there, I would do what my sister wanted and I would be extremely stressed of making her mad or saying no to her. Scared that she would push me out of her life like she routinely did when we fought. I would be the one to go back and apologize to her, she rarely admitted she did something wrong or apologized for hurting me. She must of gotten this from my mother, because her too, never apologizes, admits wrong or feels guilt. When I went into public settings from then on such as school, work, or my community I would seek people like my mother and my sister. Recreating these one sided relationships. I would look for people who would put no effort into our friendship or relationship and I would be the one chasing them, searching for that validation.

This behaviour is one of the main reasons why I had low self esteem for so long (and continue to have issues with it), had resentments, was unable to communicate and so much more. I viewed my self worth through other peoples eyes. It's as if I was nothing but a tool for them, to get what they want and when they did they would dispose of me until the next time they needed me. I felt horrible in my own skin, I hated myself, and it was scary. When people would reject me, instead of reacting normally and understanding not everyone will like me, I felt like I wasn't good enough, like I had to change. This feeling started affecting my sexuality, my friendships, my self esteem, and my relationships.

I think my sister is the one relationships that had the biggest effect on me and hurts me the most, I was never able to understand that she isn't going to change. She is the one I have the hardest time saying no to and respecting myself. If I set a boundary she will try to find every way to step over it or make me feel guilty or wrong for respecting myself. The worst part with my sister is I tell myself that maybe she will change. Where there is hope is where there lies a huge possibility for disappointment or possibility that I will allow her to manipulate me again. And which will then start the cycle all over again.

Those who people please go through a thought process when people want them to do something, they ask themselves if the person will be disappointed if they say no, if they will still like them, and/or if they will be mad. They tell themselves that saying yes to them is to avoid losing them, avoid a conflict and they feel as if they have to. This can translate into so many aspects of your life and destroy your self worth, self respect and the ability to stand up for yourself.

Ending my people pleasing cycle was probably so far one of the hardest things I have done it my life. If I can give any advice about it, it would be that it is a life long challenge and that the first time you say no and break the cycle is not the hardest part. The hardest part will be overcoming all of the guilt for finally saying no. It will be maintaining and continuing to respect the boundaries you put into place. Each time you say no and don't fall for the persons manipulation it will then get easier and easier. Just like me, you may have to distance yourself from these people, as they are used to this relationship being a people pleasing one. They might not want you to change. It is challenging to break this cycle but I can honestly say I feel so much better and it is extremely rewarding. I am starting to respect, love and care for myself like never before.